


baby you look (happier) you do

by emmalem



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Angst, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, hyungs do try to help okay, jihoon deserves someone to love him this much, maknae gets hurt in the middle of this, no slurs or actual homophobia, soonyoung tries stupid things to deal with his pain
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-23
Updated: 2017-03-23
Packaged: 2018-10-09 16:37:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,537
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10416456
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/emmalem/pseuds/emmalem
Summary: the first time soonyoung saw jihoon his hair was a shade or two darker than it was now, still looking much more alike than the previous blond and pink he had, and soonyoung had no idea-he had no idea what that small boy would mean to him.and the worst part of all was that, soonyoung knew if he could, if he had the chance, he wouldn’t change anything. he wouldn’t change loving jihoon as much as he did. he wouldn’t change the pull he felt towards the boy every time they were together, and the unsettling feeling in his stomach every time they were not.he wouldn’t change the look of complete adoration he had on every time the boy did as much as blink.





	

**Author's Note:**

> please forgive any grammar mistakes

soonyoung thought it was his hands. he was almost sure of it.

 

it was the way they touched him. 

 

so kind.

 

always so kind.

 

they didn’t touch the others like that. 

 

which was what made him feel disgusted with himself.

 

he trusted him.

 

jihoon trusted  _ him.  _

 

and he had no rights feeling the way he did about the younger.

 

the small boy didn’t ask him for his disgusting feelings, he just asked for a good friend. 

 

not that the other 11 boys weren’t his friends, but jihoon had a really big trouble opening himself up to the others, even more when they weren’t soonyoung.

 

so soonyoung should just be thankful for what he got from the smaller, and yet.

 

yet, he couldn’t help the way his heart got thigh every time jihoon let his hands rest on him for just a moment too long.

 

yet, he couldn’t help the way his mouth went dry whenever jihoon would be just comfortable enough to ask him something and  _ “please hyung? pretty please?” _ .

 

yet, he couldn’t help the blush that creeped into his cheeks whenever jihoon hit someone next to him out of laughing so hard from something he said.

 

yet, he couldn’t help but just be completely mesmerized at every training session when the young boy opened his mouth.

 

and it was just killing him by this point.

 

killing him not only with heartbreak, but with self-hatred. 

 

he knew he wasn’t supposed to feel that way. that that wasn’t normal, wasn’t ok. and that if jihoon found out he was gonna lose him forever.

 

and he couldn’t help but think he should tell the boy, just so he would keep himself away. keep himself clean, and protected, and just, just good.

 

soonyoung would never forgive himself if he let his desire burn jihoon the same way it burned him.

 

“you ok hyung?” he looked to his side with an eyebrow raised to see minghao looking at him with a furrowed brow. he wandered off again.

 

“yeah, sorry. where were we?” he asked focusing back on the dance they were choreographing for the single for their new album. they were pretty far by that point, and tomorrow, at least for the dance unit, they would meet with the stylist to get their new look for boom boom.

 

they went to the dorm around 4 am, completely exhausted, which soonyoung wouldn’t really complain about, because whatever kept him distracted from his ugly thoughts, was a very welcome thing.

 

they didn’t bother in not making a lot of noises because the vocal unit was with the stylists and the hip hop unit were out of town for something vlive related.

 

the maknae called shots on the shower, as he ran past his hyungs. junhui did try to catch up to ended up getting the door slammed on his face.

 

he rubbed his nose grunting in pain as minghao laughed his way to the kitchen to grab something to eat and soonyoung threw himself in the couch letting out a deep breath. 

 

it wasn’t long before dino left his shower and minghao also beat junhui to the bathroom that the vocal unit barged their way into the dorm, as loud as ever.

 

“we’re fresh, we’re clean, we’re looking better than you.” seungkwan announced as he made his grand entrance and pointed a finger to soonyoung who just raised an eyebrow. the boy was blonde where he previously had been this copper-ish red.

 

and soonyoung couldn’t help but think it befitting. seungkwan pulled bright colours off better.

 

“that we are.” seokmin said pushing, and i do mean  _ pushing _ , the younger out of the way and giving one of his trademark healing smiles. 

 

“you guys are so loud, my god.” jeonghan yelled while getting past them, his hair a raven colour and cut even shorter than before. soonyoung couldn’t help but chuckle internally at the thought that his hyung hated the long hair so much, he wouldn’t put it past him shaving it all off eventually. soonyoung averted his eyes back to the show he had previously turned on until a couple of moments later when he felt a body sit on the spot next to him and

 

“what do you think hyung?” that voice that was etched permanently into his brain asked, and soonyoung just needed to glance over to feel the air leaving his lungs. jihoon’s hair was kept around the same slightly long length it had been been before, but it was slightly curly and auburn. he had this tiny smile on his face as he looked slightly up, and soonyoung’s throat went immediately dry, and had it not been weird, he was pretty sure he would just start bawling his eyes out because it hurt so much.

 

so.

 

so.

 

much.

 

he couldn’t breath, and his heart felt so close to stop, and all he could see and all he could feel and all he could think about was the boy sitting besides him and how much he loved him.

 

that hair brought back the memories of the first time soonyoung ever saw him. 

 

it had been at least a good 3 years since jihoon didn’t sport a dark hair colour. since before their debut.

 

the first time soonyoung saw jihoon his hair was a shade or two darker than it was now, still looking much more alike than the previous blond and pink he had, and soonyoung had no idea-

 

he had no idea what that small boy would mean to him.

 

and the worst part of all was that, soonyoung knew if he could, if he had the chance, he wouldn’t change anything. he wouldn’t change loving jihoon as much as he did. he wouldn’t change the pull he felt towards the boy every time they were together, and the unsettling feeling in his stomach every time they were not.

 

he wouldn’t change the look of complete adoration he had on every time the boy did as much as blink.

 

and he just felt like throwing up for thinking like this.

 

for wishing he could just, just reach forward and run his hand through the boy’s hair. to hug him and hold him thigh and whisper sweet nothing into his ear.

 

he felt disgusted towards himself, and so, so sorry for the boy that fell victim of his perverted mind, that thought he had a friend, and had instead befriended a monster.

 

“it looks good.” he smiled nonetheless, because, as previously stated, it wasn’t jihoon’s fault. it was soonyoung’s and soonyoung’s alone. he saw minghao quietly getting off the bathroom, and went to take his shower, much to junhui’s despair, as he could hear the boy yelling and banging on the door 4 minutes after he got in.

 

soonyoung cried on the shower. then he cried alone in his room while the boys were eating whatever on the kitchen. and then he cried on the rooftop, on a phone call with his mum while all the other boys were sleeping.

 

“son, please i can’t help you, if you don’t talk to me.” he could hear his mum’s desperate voice over the phone in despise of his loud sobs, and he hugged his legs close to his chest.

 

“i- i can’t- i- mum, i can’t-” he sobbed not really knowing how to phrase what he wanted to say, but fully aware that he couldn’t tell his mum about his despicable feeling towards his dongsaengs. he knew she would love him anyway, he just thought she deserved better than thinking he had raised him to be like that. 

 

“what? soonyoung honey, please talk to me.”

 

“it hur- it hurts. it hurts so- so much.”

 

“what hurts? where does it hurt baby? did you get into an accident?”

 

“my- my heart. my heart hurts.” he said clutching a fist on his shirt right where the aforementioned organ would sit in his chest.

 

“oh baby.” his mother mourned on the other side of the phone, feeling the pain for her child. 

 

soonyoung had never been in love before. not with someone he should and definitely not with someone he shouldn’t. so he didn’t know if it was, in fact, supposed to hurt this much. but the hyungs all had been in relationships in the past, and none mentioned this soul crushing pain, and that was something that ought to be mentioned, giving the intensity, so soonyoung just came to the conclusion that it was just what he deserved for harboring such things towards his namdongsaeng.

 

he went back to the dorm, after literally crying himself dry to his mum who just, god bless her soul, stayed there being supportive through his mental breakdown, and making him promise to one day tell her what it was about, and never hesitate to call her just to metaphorically cry on his shoulder.

 

he had always been a mummy’s boy.

 

he quietly opened the door and made his way to the kitchen, to grab himself something to eat, seeing crying so much and having an empty stomach was giving him a killing headache. 

 

“were you crying?” his head snapped up to see jisoo standing with a slightly worried expression on the threshold. he blinked twice at his hyung before shaking his head. “but you were outside?”

 

“yeah.”

 

“were you smoking again?” he could feel the disappointment in his hyung’s voice even though jisoo tried to keep a neutral expression, and soonyoung sighed as he opened up the fridge.

 

“perhaps.” it  _ was  _ something that he started doing a while ago, when the things he kept bottle up became too much, and he was caught doing it twice. once by dino and another by jisoo.

 

where dino had yelled at him for 20 minutes and made him promise to never do it again or he was telling the managers, jisoo had just wore a scorn as he told him to hurry up cause they had to start the photoshoot soon, and later, in privacy asked him if that was anything they needed to talk about. soonyoung didn’t even look at him as he denied and scurried off the room.

 

he heard jisoo sigh and saw him cross his arms on his peripheral vision, as he grabbed milk and cheese.

 

“you know what that can do to you right?” soonyoung hummed not really feeling much like talking about that, or anything for that matters, at the moment. “it can kill you soonyoung.”

 

and the boy held back a chuckle because, honestly, he wouldn’t be that lucky.

 

if those damn cigarettes just killed him, or in a less morbid thought, destroyed his lungs, and made him unable to sing, then they would have no choice but to get him to leave seventeen, and then save jihoon.

 

he was way past having pretentious thoughts about saving himself.

 

“i’m not at that point hyung.” he said in low voice as he closed the fridge and when to get bread on the shelf above the sink.

 

“how long have you been doing it?”

 

“i don’t know. around six months?”

 

“and how much have you been smoking everyday.”

 

“not much.” he didn’t even smoke everyday if he was going to be honest. more like once every one or two weeks, and even then at best 3 cigarettes. he still coughed every time he inhaled, even though he did have a favourite brand. it took him more than 3 months to get through his first pack, and he just managed to finish his second one about two weeks ago. he had his new pack of camel’s safely hidden in his underwear drawer and it was short only 5 cigs so far.

 

“soonyoung…”

 

“hyung, i’m fine. i promise. it’s nothing to worry about.” he said putting together the ingredients for his, so called sandwich, without even glancing at the older boy. after 5 minutes in silence jisoo just sighed and thought better to just, let the boy be. whenever he was ready, or that jisoo thought it was too much, they would talk about it.

 

\---

 

“it’s really black.” dino gawked pulling a bit at his hair, as they waited on the small couch for the stylist noona’s to be done with minghao and junhui, surprised even though that seemed to be the common denominator for this comeback.

 

“so it’s yours.”

 

“mine is brown.” soonyoung rolled his eyes, while the younger boy continued to stare at his hair. after thinking about it a bit though, soonyoung thought it to be just fair, seeing his hair hadn’t been its natural colour for almost 4 years at that point. after being doing with being flabbergasted about his hyung’s hair colour, dino went on a rant about how had saw the clothes for the mv and how they seemed to be normal and  _ ‘thank god hyung, i was really tired of them dressing us all the same’ _ .

 

to which soonyoung only paid half mind to, as he replied to the messages his mum sent him that, yes he had stopped crying, and not to worry, cause he was ok. even though his stomach was turning as it slowly set down on him the fact that he had to use that lie way too frequently lately. 

 

after about 2 hours, they were done and made their way to the studio where they had vocal training. it was less than a month until the comeback, which meant they all had to be in their best form.

 

“boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom, boom boom.” junhui and dino yelled their way inside as minghao yelled at them. if it were a while ago, soonyoung would have probably joined them, but he didn’t feel much up to anything lately. they got called out by their obnoxiousness by the vocal coaches. 

 

soonyoung sighed as he made his way to the table where they put out the water bottles atop of. 

 

“wow. hyung, i had forgotten how good black hair goes on you.” and he was glad to whatever deity it was that he still hadn’t be sipping on the water, otherwise he would’ve choked.

 

jihoon was there, as it was something he did, looking up at him with an amazed expression, and for just a couple of seconds soonyoung let his mind wander. 

 

wander off to a universe where jihoon loved him just the same way he loved the boy. 

 

a reality where jihoon also stayed up at night thinking and making up scenarios where they were together.

 

a place where the boy longed for their interactions just as much as soonyoung did.

 

that maybe, just, just maybe, he-

 

no.

 

soonyoung cut that line of thoughts short.

 

it was one thing to have these feeling towards the boy. it was another, complete different thing, to project those feeling to him.

 

to wish the one person he held in such high grounds to be as sick, as he was.

 

for jihoon was light. jihoon was light, he was pure. he was good, he was kind, and he was normal. he didn’t fell in love with his band member. he was just another ordinary boy.

 

soonyoung felt like throwing up.

 

“thanks.” he mumbled instead and proceeded to take a sip of the water.

 

the training went just as smoothly as expected. jihoon and jeonghan hyung made sure they were all ready to sing on cue whenever anyway, so the coaches called for a break. to which soonyoung wasted no time, to run to the rooftop and bring a cigarette with his trembling hand to his mouth, as he lighted it up with a zipper, the hyung that got him into smoking gave to him.

 

“it relieves stress.” he had said passing him the cig, and laughing as he tapped the boy on the back as he coughed. it clearly wasn’t soonyoung’s thing, but he found that with the university entrance exam just around the corner, and the disturbing thoughts he had been having lately about his namdongsaeng, the smoke burning his lungs was a welcome distraction. 

 

he leaned on the guardrail looking out at the city in front of him and just wondering why.

 

why him.

 

why jihoon.

 

he didn’t find it fair.

 

he felt his cellphone ringing in his pocket, but paid it no mind as he lit up a second cig after throwing the other’s butt off.

 

he was halfway through his second when the door opened followed by a  _ ‘jihoon wait’. _

 

he turned around just as he exhaled to see jihoon barging through the door, followed by jisoo, who had his hand out ready to grab at the younger’s arm. 

 

soonyoung accessed both of them quickly, jihoon had his brow furrowed and jisoo looked somewhat guilty, before throwing the half burnt cigarette on the ground and putting it off with his shoe.

 

he guessed that if they were there that meant rehearsal was back on, so he didn’t spare either a glance, as he made his way back in and into the training room.

 

the two boys returned after a couple of minutes, recieving weird glances from everyone but soonyoung, but the training went fairly normal.

 

besides soonyoung’s strong coughing urges, that he quickly swallowed down with a sip or two of water.

 

they went back to the dorm at around 6pm to find the hiphop unit there, still with their old hairstyle.

 

“we are scheduled for tomorrow.” mingyu said, with a glimpse of hope in his eyes, which was only right, seeing his hair right now wasn’t anything short of horrendous. 

 

soonyoung went to his room while the boys caught up on the living room, thinking having a nap, seeing he hadn’t really hap any sleep at all the previous night.

 

he was sat down on the bed, fluffing his pillow, when he sensed someone getting inside the room and sitting down next to him.

 

“you smell like smoke.” and he tried his best to not let the disgust in the younger’s voice break his heart too much, because that was barely anything if compared to what he would sound like had he know the whole truth. “i don’t know how the others didn’t pick up on it.”

 

he sighed and pretended his best to ignore the boy as he laid down on the bed and closed his eyes.

 

“jisoo hyung told me not to worry about it, that he was dealing with it, and that so far it was only a harmless thing, but when it can interfere with my job it becomes my problem.” he said and grabbed the arm soonyoung had thrown over his eyes and pulled it down. “don’t pretend i don’t know what all those bottles of water you drowned on practice after the break meant. i’m the vocal unit leader. everyone’s voices are my responsibility, and here you are willingly screwing up yours.”

 

soonyoung would be lying if he said he didn’t think about it. cause he did. his thoughts always, one way or another, seemed to gravitate towards the younger boy.

 

it didn’t take long for him to realize that that was a conscious decision. 

 

if he screwed up his voice he would jeopardize jihoon’s work. 

 

not that he wanted to get on the boy’s way, he would shot himself in the head before screwing up anything important to jihoon. but he wanted to put it at risk just enough for jihoon to hate him and push him off.

 

because soonyoung would respect that.

 

he had tried, to grow away from the boy, but it wasn’t something he could do with his own will power. he  _ clearly _ had a really weak mind. 

 

but it jihoon loved him. 

 

then that would change things.

 

“sorry.”

 

“why are you smoking?” soonyoung was really taken aback by this. he thought the boy would be pissed. disgusted. angry. he thought he would see any expression on the boy’s face but the worry he saw on it at that moment.

 

and he just felt like crying again.

 

he wasn’t deserving of him.

 

he wasn’t deserving of his light, he wasn’t deserving of his friendship. soonyoung wasn’t deserving of anything jihoon related.

 

he didn’t deserve even to have ever met the boy.

 

and this time, he couldn’t stop the tears from falling from his eyes.

 

“get cheollie hyung.” he pleaded sitting up in the bed unable to do anything but hug his legs and let the waterfall come out of his eyes, and no longer after he was sobbing copiously.

 

his request wasn’t as much as something he wanted, but rather something he thought he needed. seungcheol was his go-to whenever things got too hard to handle. his second go-to person, the first being his mum, but he thought calling her two days in a row unable to say anything due to the cheer amount of tears would get her at least worried.

 

he felt jihoon quickly get off bed and heard his hurried steps towards the door. soonyoung then just threw his body sideways into the mattress being then able to cry in a fetal position, that although wasn’t the most dignified expression of pain, was arguably one of the most effective in showing that said person was, indeed, in an unmanageable amount of pain.

 

instead of leaving the room though, he heard the lock click on itself and, no more than 10 seconds later, jihoon’s body envelop his, as the younger all but cradled him.

 

“it's alright hyung. it's ok.” he cooed soonyoung, running his hands through the recently dyed hair. 

 

soonyoung knew better than to simply let that happen.

 

he knew he would never do anything to the boy under no circumstance. but jihoon didn’t had all the cards to make that decision. he didn’t know everything to be able to say he actually wanted to be that closed to the closeted sick person that soonyoung was.

 

but he couldn’t.

 

soonyoung found himself unable to push the boy away, clinging to him like he was his lifeline. 

 

as if he let go of the boy and he would disappear.

 

as if the brown haired kid was the only thing keeping him even marginally sane.

 

and that wasn’t very much far from the truth. 

 

“i’m- i’m sorry. i’m so, so sorry.” he said hugging the boy.

 

“i’m not mad. hyung, hyung i’m not mad.” the younger boy felt soonyoung’s body shake from the tears. “hey. hoshi, i’m not mad.” he could hear the smile in jihoon's voice. 

 

he knew why he said that.

 

around the time they were choosing their stage name. jihoon was having a hard time with his, but soonyoung,

 

_ “hoshi!”  _ he smiled passing the younger the ramyun he had prepared for him, as he was scribbling whatever it was in a music sheet.

 

“why?” jihoon asked, a little bit desperately, making his hyung shrug with a smile.

 

“hoshi means star.”

 

whenever it got too hard jihoon would tell him the same thing. 

 

when soonyoung couldn't finish a dance, when he didn’t feel like enough, whenever he couldn’t sleep due to the pression, jihoon would always smile up at him and say

 

“hoshi means star.” he whispered in the boy's ear, and although soonyoung thought that would make things worse, his sobs stopped almost immediately, and his shaking decreased to a barely perceptive level.

 

if soonyoung wasn’t so heartbroken then he would’ve mentally slapped himself for underestimating the boy’s power over him. 

 

instead, he clung harder to the boy, on his half arsed perception of the world.

 

as he kept crying, jihoon eventually started humming a song.

 

at some point on that night it could be heard dino and wonwoo trying to bang the door down, angrily trying to get someone to just unlock the damn door, and later jun and seungcheol much more calm approach, trying to assist the situation and come up with a solution to it.

 

neither of the boys inside made any intent as to move and let anyone in. although soonyoung did see jihoon text someone right before sleep got the best of him.

 

they weren't as sore the next morning as soonyoung thought, seeing they did fall asleep on a queen. 

 

but they just fit perfectly.

 

soonyoung threw cold water on his face preventing to delay on that thought as jihoon was on the living room definitely not explaining shit.

 

“jun hyung took the couch so i had to sleep on the floor hyung.  _ on the floor _ .” dino complained to him in one of the breaks they had from rehearsing the even scenes they would start recording on the next day. 

 

“where did minghao, wonwoo and hansol slept at?” he heard jihoon ask as he, seungcheol, mingyu and seungkwan stepped outside. 

 

“hansol called dibs on jihoon’s bed, while minghao slept on jeonghan hyung’s bed and wonwoo on mine.” seungkwan answered.

 

“what happened last night anyway?” mingyu asked which immediately sent soonyoung in a anxiety attack because, what if the others realized. 

 

he had never thought on the matter past him and jihoon. how it would affect them both, and how he would hate him. 

 

but he never gave a piece of his time to ponder about the possibility of one of the boys finding out. 

 

“nothing.” he said taking a camel out of the pack in his back pocket, at the same time jihoon said something about being a long story. 

 

he heard all of the other boys’ breath hitch, with the exception of jihoon as he light the cigarette up and stepped away from them. 

 

“hyung you promised me you would stop.” dino’s voice carried a tone of betrayal so deep that would’ve made soonyoung throw the whole pack away and never consume nicotine ever again in his life, had him not be too busy trying to not go into panic attack mode and pass out.

 

“dino knew?” seungcheol asked baffled and he could hear seungkwan trying to come up with something to say.

 

“hyung take them inside.” he heard jihoon plead in low voice.

 

“you know about this?” seungcheol sounded more and more desperate by the second. 

 

“please hyung. just go inside and ask jisoo hyung about it.”

 

“he knows about it too?” their leader scoffed in disbelief. “am i the only one that wasn't aware about this? is that it?”

 

“hyung,  _ please _ .”

 

of all the things they could hate him for, soonyoung pondered, that was the one he could handle best.

 

he heard the 4 of them getting back inside before jihoon stepped next to him.

 

“is this a normal amount for you?” he asked looking at his feet instead of at his hyung.

 

“no.” soonyoung said puffing out smoke, turning his head in a way that it wouldn’t hit the smaller boy. “i’ve never smoke two days in a row before.” he saw jihoon nodding from his peripheral vision, with a furrowed brow.

 

“so why now?”

 

“we should go back inside.” he threw the butt on the floor and stepped on it, before starting to walk back towards the building.

 

“hyung please.  _ pretty please _ .” jihoon said without moving from where he stood and just.

 

soonyoung really wished he could hate the boy, even though he knew that to be impossible.

 

jihoon had him wrapped around his finger and he wasn’t even aware of it.

 

soonyoung realized he had stopped walking when he felt the younger’s hand on his upper arm, holding him.

 

“please hyung, let me help you. please.” soonyoung could hear his voice trembling and that was it for him.

 

it was one thing for him to get jihoon to hate him, it was another completely different one to see jihoon break himself into pieces to try and glue soonyoung back together. 

 

“tonight.”

 

“what?” jihoon blinked up at him confusedly.

 

“i’ll explain it to you tonight, before the boys have gone to bed. i’ll tell you everything.” because this way was easier. this way jihoon wouldn’t feel guilty for soonyoung’s misery. he found out at that moment that he was way past trying to protect himself emotionally so as long as he didn’t hurt jihoon in the process.

 

“ok.” the brunette said tightening his grip on his hyung’s arm just a little bit before giving soonyoung a small hopeful smile.

 

they went inside and for the first time in almost a year, soonyoung didn’t feel like throwing up. 

 

he always thought that the moment that someone found out he was literally going to die. that his heart would just collapse on itself, but that felt nothing like it.

 

it was peaceful almost.

 

soonyoung had watched once a documentary about assisted suicide and he thought that to be the closest he could get to describe what he was feeling.

 

he had been so hopelessly lost for so long. 

 

afraid of the possibility of the truth coming out for so long, that now that it was finally happening he felt at ease.

 

maybe it was the waiting that was eating up at him.

 

the many scenarios in which this could play out.

 

but no.

 

this was him.

 

this was his decision on how to go out about it.

 

and just.

 

just maybe.

 

he wasn’t going to be completely obliviated after it was done.

 

he went inside to dodge seungcheol and jeonghan hyung for 4 hours. and to pretend he didn’t know what they were fighting with jisoo hyung about.

 

they must have said that they would have a talk when they got to the dorm at least 7 times. every 30 minutes.

 

so it was no surprise when soonyoung all but sprinted his way out of the building when they were done with rehearsing. 

 

he took the subway, and wandered mindlessly between the line 5 and 2, and he just happened to end up at mapo. he started walking through the crowded streets, but went down to where the hostels were situated at, seeing the streets there were usually more empty.

 

whatever got into him, as he sat on the sidewalk and look at the bright u+ sign across the street, call it wave of courage or cold feet, had him reaching into his bag for his phone and ignoring the thousands of missed calls and texts and kakaos, as he dialled up the dorm’s land line.

 

someone picked up after the seventh beep.

 

“he-”

 

“is jihoon there?”

 

“oh, hyung. there you are.” minghao said on the other side ignoring the way soonyoung stopped him mid greeting. “you should be here! we’re placing bets on who’s gonna win the fist fight.”

 

“there’s a fist fight?” soonyoung asked worried, hoping that that was just minghao mistaking the words as it was costumary for him to do so.

 

“not yet, but the way jeonghan, cheol and shua hyung are fighting, is not gonna take long until it happens.”

 

soonyoung sighed on his hand. it was all his fault. 

 

all of it.

 

he had to fix it. and the only way to redemption was through penitence for his sins.

 

“is jihoon there?”

 

“oh. uh. no, sorry hyung. don’t you know? well, you probably don’t, with everything that’s been going on and all, i wouldn’t blame you for-” soonyoung suspected that he and junhui were spending way too much time together, for minghao to be gossiping like this. “anyway, he’s out on a date.”

 

soonyoung couldn’t breath.

 

“what?”

 

“yeah, he started seeing eunwoo about a month ago. he was going to tell you but you seemed to be kind of off, and, well, now i guess we know why. are you really smoking hyung? cause that’s not only bad for your singing career, if it affects your lungs it also affects your dancing and-” 

 

“minghao.”

 

“yes?”

 

“tell everyone i’m coming home.”

 

“oh, ok, hyung but where-”

 

he didn’t wait for the boy to say anything else before he ended the phone call.

 

and then he just started cackling.

 

in the middle of an empty street, across from a cellphone store, at 9pm, sitting on a sidewalk, alone.

 

he laughed until his stomach hurt and the last tears he thought he would ever cry spilled from his eyes.

 

cause that was it.

 

he couldn’t hurt him this way.

 

soonyoung couldn’t hurt jihoon if the younger had a girlfriend. 

 

he knew it was insane, and that he was grasping at straws, but the other option was to walk the short distance to mapo bridge and become a statistic.

 

because if he wasn’t going to be completely, undeniably happy for his dongsaeng, he was going to suffer for the rest of his life. 

 

_ although that would be ok _ , he thought as he got up and dusted his pants off,  _ i could bare being miserable, if that made him happy _ .

 

_ i could bare much anything, if it would make him happy.  _ he threw his pack of camels in a trashcan on the way to the subway.

 

he knew he wasn’t even close to being ok with this. to being better, to being healed.

 

but for now that would have to do.

 

because for now jihoon had someone he could lean on, and soonyoung had to take out the shards of glass that got inside the people who tried to fix his broken.

 

and he could just be thankful, that he didn’t had anything to pick out of jihoon.

 

and if it was up to him, he never would.

**Author's Note:**

> holla at me if you have any prompts @ mynameisgretel.tumblr.com  
> (or if you wanna yell at me, either way it's cool) and yeah.  
> tell me if you liked it or not idk. thanks for reading everything btw. 
> 
> peace  
> ~drops fake mic~


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